My Wife's PMS is Destroying our Marriage
You wife’s PMS is almost destroying your marriage? Does your otherwise lovely wife become suddenly irritable, emotional, or seemingly out of control? Before you jump to any major relationship conclusions, consider that she might be experiencing PMS or PMDD and what to do to solve the root cause of your dilemma instead of running away.
PMS & PMDD
Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) are conditions that affect many women during their reproductive years. While PMS is relatively common, affecting up to 75% of menstruating women (as you can see, it doesn’t help to change the wife), PMDD is a more severe form that impacts 3-8 % of women. They often worsens after having babies and both conditions can significantly influence mood, behavior, and physical wellbeing, such as anger which often putting a strain on relationships. Most often, both conditions show symptoms as signs that the body is in lack of a resource it needs to function, thereby the common strong seemingly unreasonable reaction.
Understanding the Hormonal Rollercoaster
The menstrual cycle is the core of your partners reproductional function. While you experience testosterone cycles every day, she experience hormonal cycles of approximately 28 days. Her main hormones are estrogen, which makes her social and cuddly, and progesterone that makes her calm and protective. The levels of these hormones shifts every day in the monthly cycle and have a profoundly affect your partners interest in sex as wells as body and mind.
The hormonal levels are not the same every cycle. They are impacted of environment, relationships, lifestyle and how well the body and mind are nourished for reproduction. Symtoms are signs that the body does not have something it needs to function properly, something to think about if you are planning for pregnancy and also for upcoming symtoms as angry and irritation.
PMS symptoms typically occur 3-5 days before menstruation, while PMDD symptoms can emerge 1-2 weeks preceding menses. Both usually resolve with the onset of menstruation.
Signs to Look Out For
PMS vs. PMDD
PMDD is ‘the severe version of PMS’ with moderate to severe symptoms that interfere with work, relationships, and overall quality of life.
Emotional Symptoms
Mood swings
Irritability or anger
Anxiety or tension
Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
Difficulty concentrating
Physical Symptoms
Fatigue
Changes in appetite or food cravings
Sleep disturbances
Bloating
Breast tenderness
Headaches
The Impact on Your Relationship
Both PMS and PMDD can significantly affect communication and intimacy in your relationship. Your partner may become more angry and irritated, sensitive to rejection, prone to conflicts, or withdraw socially. It's important to recognize that these behaviors are symptoms of a condition, and not a reflection of her feelings towards you.
Supporting Your Partner Through Tough Times
Educate yourself - Learn about PMS and PMDD to better understand what your partner is experiencing. With her permission, you can follow her cycle, so you both can know and be prepared for when the storm is coming.
Practice active listening - Pay attention to her needs and be open to discussion without judgment, perhaps she wants to be alone for a few days or need a hug or two. It’s important to listen to her wishes rather than what you think, because the opposite action can spark the fire.
Offer emotional support - Show empathy and validate her feelings. We are aware, this can be though when she is in irritated state, so try to be the big person here.
Provide practical help - Take on extra chores or responsibilities like dinner making or managing the kids during difficult days, without expercting her to “paying it back to you afterwards”. There are some biohacking tips you can use here, that may actually improve her mood biologically (we can help you with that).
One thing to remember; although your partner will be very greatful if you support her, you should not expect her to pay-back just as she comes out of this, that expectation will stripe the love you just built and will negatively impact the relationship in the long run.
Be patient and reassuring - Remember that this is temporary and the way you support her during this phase will impact your relationship moving forward.
Self-Care for Yourself
Supporting a partner with PMS or PMDD can be emotionally challenging. Although we do recommend you to talk to eachtoher about each one of your needs, it's essential for you to know and manage your needs as well.
Build your own inner resilience to manage your own emotions
Set healthy boundaries
Seek support from professionals (you might need some specialized support here)
When to Seek Professional Help
We know these conditions can take a toll on both of you. Consider professional help if:
Symptoms severely impact your relationship, or any or your daily life
Your parner expresses feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts
You're struggling to cope with the situation
Your partner is stuck between marketing messages that “there is help to get” and actually not getting better from anything she tried (it takes women on average 9 years, and as many healthcare visits to different providers before getting sufficient support). So please be patient, your wife is probably trying her best to get supported - But its not often as easy as “just get an appointment and get it solved”.
Also the type of help you seek will often determine the solution, so it’s good to consider which type of support your wife would like to consider in the first place.
Gynaecologist will often address with hormon-disturbing contraceptive pills, that will remove the menstrual cycle completely which might sound good but also comes with common mental and sexual side effects. It’s a big hammer, that will cancel the complete reproductive function in your partner to remove the symtoms, but not the root cause solution.
Primary Care provider often support with anti-depressant pills, which only are effective for some women (about 40%). They may be helpful for some but may also ineffective or remove joyful feelings other days. This is a common symtom-suppressing method, but doesn’t solve the root cause.
Cognitive Behaviour Theraphy or Couples therapy can be beneficial in improving communication and developing coping strategies together.
Personalized Health Support, scientists now understand that PMS and PMDD symtoms are signs that the body is in need of support. Which support depends on the persons biochemistry, so a deep, holistic health check is recommended with professionals that know how to assess the results for the specific health condition. Thereafter, can a tailormade plan be provided to address the root causes and how to manage the biological origin of the anger.
Although PMS and PMDD are common, the support system is quite underdeveloped and we see from research that it can take up to 9 years (!) to recieve proper support. So it could be that you partner is really trying to get help but is stuck between the impression that “don’t suffer, there is help to get” and “medical gaslighting and misdiagnosis“.
How We Can Help
At Femai Health, we offer specialized services for female hormonal health and wellness.
Education and biohacking (both for your partner and you)
Comprehensive health and hormone testing
Personalized health plans with holistic nutritional and lifestyle counseling
By addressing the underlying issues of anger from the root, you will strengthen your relationship and improve both your partners and your quality of life, and enable staying together with your love throughout the life as you dreamt of.
Understanding and supporting your partner through PMS or PMDD can significantly strengthen your bond. By educating yourself, offering empathy and practical support, and seeking professional help when needed, you can navigate these challenges together. Remember, your patience and understanding can make a world of difference in your relationship.
Start a conversation with your partner about her experiences, she can take our free hormonal health assessment and we will guide her right, and if needed consider exploring supportive services. Together, you can build a stronger, more understanding relationship that withstands the challenges of hormonal health.
Take care both of you and let me know if you need anything.
Carin
